My relationship is suffering

Trying for a baby is making our relationship suffer

When you’re falling in love, it’s normal to think about your future kids. What they’ll look like, which qualities they’ll inherit, what you’ll name them. And when the time comes, we sort of expect those kids to come along on schedule.
But of course, it doesn’t always happen that way. Sometimes, instead of a wished for bundle of joy, there’s just trying, waiting, disappointment. Then more trying, more waiting, doubt, frustration and anger. Often, there’s arguing and crying and silence, when we blame each other – or ourselves.

One thing’s for sure, trying to conceive without success puts a lot of strain on a relationship.

They don’t understand what I’m going through

Men and women tend to respond to fertility problems differently. This can make communication tough, and can trigger a vicious cycle where neither person feels they’re getting what they need (whether it’s support or space). It isn’t strictly a gender thing either – even people in same-sex couples won’t necessarily ‘get’ what each other is experiencing.

Tension can also arise when you want different things. The fertility journey is full of difficult decisions, and there might be times you don’t see eye to eye. Maybe one of you wants to keep trying after several failed cycles of IVF, and the other doesn’t. Perhaps there’s disagreement over the number of children to have in the first place.

Whatever the issue, don’t let it stew

Whether it’s hormonal upheaval or problems dealing with all those pregnant friends, you won’t be the only one who’s been there. Getting help from a professional can make a big difference in how you think about the situation, and how you handle it together. If you’re not seeing a Genea counsellor as part of your IVF treatment (counselling sessions are included in your fee), Relationships Australia and Access Australia can help.

Don’t forget to live for the present

It’s easier said than done, but trying for a baby can be an opportunity to focus on your relationship. Go on spontaneous trips. Sleep in. Don’t feel obligated to go to birthday parties friends throw for their kids when it’ll only upset you. Instead of making scheduled sex appointments, make hot dates that happen to be around ovulation. Think champagne and candles, not cervical mucus! If nothing else, it’ll be a lot more fun.