Coping with fertility struggles during the holidays by Ceci Jeffries

Ceci Jeffries, Founder of Fertility Collective

I remember my first Christmas after our infertility diagnosis like it was yesterday. I dreaded seeing people, let alone a group of them. I walked into Christmas functions feeling as small as an ant. It’s amazing how lonely you can feel in a room full of people.

I had a permanent lump in my throat. I was so fearful about what questions I would be asked about our baby plans. At that point, I had absolutely no idea if or when I was going to have a baby. Does anyone suffering in the fertility trenches really know?

All I knew was that I felt broken, overwhelmed, lonely, hurt, and scared. I wanted to hide under a rock for the whole of December—hide from the happy families who, fortunately for them, didn’t understand the constant turmoil.

It’s so easy to let a diagnosis take over your life. As much as Christmas is about being together with family and friends, it can also enhance the feeling of being alone, as if you’re the only one hurting. Maybe you thought you’d be pregnant by Christmas. Maybe you thought you’d have a new baby. Maybe you thought you would have started your first round of IVF. Christmas can be a harsh reminder that your dreams feel so far from your reality.

I don’t want anyone to feel the way I did that festive season, so here are my top five tips for surviving Christmas this year.

People love to ask about baby plans. These questions are annoyingly common and uncomfortable for someone going through a fertility struggle. It’s difficult to respond when you are desperately trying to have children unsuccessfully or when you’ve been diagnosed with fertility challanges. You often switch between feeling like you need to justify your journey while wishing to keep it private.

Remember that most people don’t mean anything by the question and are usually just trying to make conversation. But this doesn’t mean it hurts any less—well, apart from Aunt Mary, who is just being nosy again. People certainly don’t realise how painful this question is, so it’s best to have some answers up your sleeve so you don’t get caught off guard.

Take a deep breath and try these responses:

Choose one that resonates with you and run with it this Christmas.

Triage your social engagements. You can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no. If you don’t want to go, don’t go. If people don’t get it, too bad. It’s okay not to do it all and not feel guilty.

Choose the invitations you are okay to accept and say no to those that will cause you too much stress. You might feel guilty about this, but remember: you are the only person who can truly look after yourself during this time, and you need to protect yourself.

Human connection and support are crucial this Christmas. It’s important to have positive people around you who care for you—this could come from a family member, friend, colleague, coach, IVF buddy, yoga instructor, acupuncturist, dry cleaner, or hairdresser.

Choose people who make you feel good and who are good for you. Find a wingman for difficult social situations who can be by your side during any awkward conversations. Give people in your support team the heads-up that you’re particularly fragile at this time of year and could burst into tears at any moment. Think of a code word or look to communicate easily when you need a break.

You don’t have to go through this alone; try to spend as much time as possible with people you love who are not triggering at this time. This distance does not have to be forever—just while navigating the fertility trenches.

When I talk about self-care, I don’t mean massages and facials; I mean caring for your mental health. Mental health is incredibly important and can be severely compromised during a fertility struggle, especially at this time of year.

Turn off social media. Breathe. Sleep. Exercise. Breathe again. Eat well. Meditate. Breathe once more. Connect with nature—repeat these steps as needed. It is okay not to be okay, and it is okay to slow down or even pause; make this non-negotiable this Christmas.

Don’t apologise for leaving early, arriving late, forgetting an event, or just being quieter than usual. It is a much bigger deal to you than it is to others; most people care more about what they’re doing and saying than what you’re doing and saying, so give yourself permission not to be 'in great form' this Christmas.

Infertility is a major life crisis; your feelings are valid. Sometimes all you can do is smile, hold back the tears, and pretend you're okay.

Please be kind to yourself this Christmas and remember that you are not alone.

And remember, if you feel you need additional support, Genea offers counselling services to all Genea patients.